RonCo Disposes Of A Body

I am glad to be here with you fine folks today. I have been thinking a lot about our great product line and its many practical applications.

Let me you tell you a story: last month I found my beautiful wife of 26 years in our marital bed with another man, and it got me thinking.  I thought about how difficult, messy and time-consuming it can be to properly dispose of a body. I thought about how average people can’t afford outrageously high prices on knives, especially not when you are using them to dismember the corpse of someone who robbed you of your masculinity and dignity. Am I right folks? That’s why I am here today to show you good people some of the many uses of my RonCo ProSlice knife set.

These are the same knives that professional chefs in the fanciest restaurants across the world use.

Look at this: see how easily it cuts through the meat of this chicken.  These knives are so sharp they cut through bone as easily as they cut through flesh. Watch as I cut through the bones of this man, who I caught in bed with my wife. Look at how easily I cut through, just one smooth motion straight through the skin, muscle and bone of this rotten bastard.

Now, you’re probably thinking that a knife like this might cost you upwards of $200. But the good folks at RonCo and I are offering it to you for three simple payments of $13.33.

If you order now you can get these great knives AND the RonCo Chop-O-Matic, a total value of almost $300. The Chop-O-Matic can chop anything with a few simple pushes on this plunger.  Watch as I place the hand of the man who ruined my marriage under the blades here.  All I have to do is press down quickly three times and this once whole hand is in several manageable pieces.   Now that we have the hand chopped into manageable pieces we can switch back to the RonCo ProSlice and finely mince the hand.  And there you have it folks, the hand is ready to be disposed of.  You couldn’t dispose of a body like this if you were a trained, professional assassin.

Now listen folks, you can get knives for less money but those knives aren’t what I’m selling and they are not what you want.  What you want is high quality knives that can accomplish any task for you.

Don’t take my word for it, listen to these folks:

“When I caught my husband schtupping the babysitter I didn’t think twice about stabbing him because I knew I could manage it with my RonCo ProSlice Knives.  It went clean in and came clean out, and it was really easy to wipe all of my fingerprints off the handle.”

                -Kathy D., a real RonCo customer from Toledo, Ohio

“I never thought I could murder someone but then I heard about RonCo’s ProSlice knives, and soon as I my business partner screwed me out of thousands of dollars I put RonCo’s knives to work. The police will never find his body.”

      -Daniel R., a real RonCo customer from Duluth, Minnesota

“It’s a bad habit, I know, but I can’t help but kill. RonCo’s knives make it easy and allow me to indulge in my guilty pleasure.”

                -Thomas O., a real RonCo customer from Wayne, New Jersey

1 day ago  /  2 notes

SECRET MENUS

Have you guys heard that certain restaurants have secret menus with items you can only order if you are super smart and know about the secret menu?

Secret Menus Exist:

McDonald’s Secret Menu

100% Grade-A Beef Hamburger – A classic burger with fresh cut onion, tomatoes, and lettuce on top of Grade-A Beef patty.

Cookie Burger – Double Big Mac Burger with two Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chip cookies in between beef patties.

         French Fry Oil Shake – Milkshake made with a scoop of ice cream and blended with used oil from the fryers used to cook French fries.  Creamy potato flavor and sweetness of ice cream.

AppleBee’s Secret Menu

Dry Southwest Jalapeno Burger –  AppleBee’s Southwest Jalapeno Burger that the chefs and servers have not spit on.

Dry Double-Glazed Baby Back Ribs – AppleBee’s Double-Glazed Baby Back Ribs that the chefs and servers have not spit on.

Dry Blackened Chicken Penne Pasta – AppleBee’s Blackened Chicken Penne Pasta that the chefs and servers have not spit on.

Outback Steakhouse Secret Menu

Australian Burger – Hamburger made with imported Australian cattle beef.

Authentic Australian Burger – Hamburger made with ground kangaroo meat.

Authentic Authentic Australian Burger – Hamburger made with ground human meat.

1 month ago  /  1 note

Selections from 1,000 Places To See Once You Die

1,000 Places To See Once You Die is the afterlife’s fastest selling travel book.  As a practical travel companion to the already dead, 1,000 Places to See Once You Die will lead your spirit to beautiful natural locations, popular travel destinations, and beloved local attractions.  Newsweek has said, “Any deceased traveler would be stuck in limbo without 1,000 Places, it is the ultimate in afterlife tourism.”  Don’t forget to have your next of kin inter your deceased body with a copy or you will miss out on an exciting afterlife.

The Pearly Gates

                The Pearly Gates is one of the attractions most associated with the afterlife.  The Gates were decommissioned as an entrance to heaven in 1947; new angels now enter heaven through an unmarked entrance preceded by a series of full spirit screenings.  The Gates reopened as a tourist attraction in 1956 and have been attracting a consistent crowd since then. But be careful, The Pearly Gates are a notorious tourist trap; long lines and judgmental staff lead to an underwhelming experience. 

River Styx

                The River Styx is the most worthwhile of the Five Rivers of Hell. The boatman Charon only charges two coins to ferry you across and you can’t beat the scenic views it affords.  Styx is cost-effective and a great way to relax and see the sights once you’ve died. Its cousin, the River Lethe is forgettable at best; skip it.

Third Circle of Hell         

                Traditionally inhabited by gluttons, the Third Circle is quickly becoming one of the most popular travel destinations for the dead because of its sinful buffets and a blossoming restaurant scene.  Be sure to make a reservation at whichever restaurant you choose. While you are there you may get to see Cerberus, but the well known three-headed dog is only open to the public in the warm months, the winter brings icy rain and forces the three-headed dog indoors for the season.

Elysium

                Elysium and the Elysian Fields are a highlight of any stay in the afterlife. Admission to Elysium was long reserved for heroes and gods but it has been open to the public since the late 1780s, when it began to allow less distinguished to enter. Elysium’s new entrance policy led to the introduction of newer and more family friendly attractions including a two-man show featuring Virgil and Homer. Elysium is a must-see for a couple or the entire family.

2 months ago  /  2 notes